girl whatever

 You seem pretty sad for a girl with such a clean paper! 

Today I had my yearly checkup at the clinic. The nurse in pink scrubs gave me the usual depression screening sheet and I filled it out. 

I think when I was younger I used to inflate whatever emotional turmoil I had, circling “several days” and “over half the time” on each question, as if I were silently pleading for some sort of help for an illness I knew I didn’t have. 

Maybe I’d just looked at my “past two weeks” every year and felt a sense of bleakness washing over me. The grayer, strangled memories were just more memorable than the bright ones. Something like that!

But today, I wanted to examine myself honestly. And as each circle landed casually on the milder answer choices, I discovered something exciting. I was growing up! 

The truth is, I’ve been having a great summer. When I went out with my friends, I felt a consistent, thrumming joy in my chest that didn’t give into being lonely or drained; I felt more assured about my future and my each step forward; I felt more at peace with my relationships. 

I was impressed with my own improvement!! There was a sense of pride, and a voice in my head that told me, “see? I knew you would grow out of it.”

At 16, I finally managed to hand over a pristine sheet. 

And yet,

On the same day, twelve hours later, I feel such a gaping emptiness in my heart. I’m so utterly scared for my future, for what school I’ll attend, and what’ll become of all of my passions and how failure is approaching so quickly. I’ve started feeling anxious again about my own personality and my behaviors, a bad habit I thought I’d squashed over the past year. I’m worried that my friends dislike me, and whether I said too much or something wrong. I’m uncomfortable with the close relationships I have and I’m mourning the ones I lost. I’m discouraged by the ones that I’ll never get to form, despite my efforts. I recall bragging to my mom about how I finally stopped caring about other people this year, and how indifferent I was towards their opinions. Yet here I am, at the bottom of the hill again, with wasted energy and wasted potential, and always assuming the worst. 

I’m just so fucking sad! 

Did I really grow? Or was I just feeling positive this morning? Is it a matter of perspective after all? Is that really it? 

That upsets me so much.

I’m not depressed. I don’t have anxiety. I don’t have anything. I’m crystal clean. So if it can’t be treated, how am I supposed to fix myself? 

When Am I Going To Fix Myself?

Maybe next year, I guess!!

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

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Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Not at all 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Several Days 

Nearly all of the time  

Nearly all of the time  

Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  Nearly all of the time  

Nearly all of the time