I cant say what I mean

I try my best to be easy to agreeable, someone who is relatable enough to talk with, but also meek enough to not make other people upset. I guess you could say my special talent is "being satisfactory".

So anyway, when I talk to someone who's particularly boisterous, I'm sure to make more jokes and maybe some jabs at them, so they understand I'm not too serious, that I get their humor. But when I'm around someone who is more reserved, I try to not make them uncomfortable, lowering my volume so they don't feel like they're going deaf. I know this sounds like d1 overthinking, but I swear I'm just trying to accomodate for people's tastes!! 

Although I can't really control how outgoing I am, my chronic people pleasing makes me constantly adjust to what I believe other people want to see. That's why I find it hard talking to people who are much older or much younger than me; I have no idea how they want me to act, so I just end up being extra awkward and silent most of the time. Those who have seen me in a room full of people I don't know probably think I don't know what words are, since I never speak. 

Above all, I'm afraid of other people pleasers like me. I know that they will also accomodate for whatever I want, so I can never tell if they actually want to do something, or are just going along with it just because I want to. I don't know if I'm making them uncomfortable, because they will never show it. So whenever I'm hanging out with another people pleaser, it just feels like endless Asian red packet olympics (those who know), but with everything we say to each other instead. 

I do this because I'm worried that my real personality will disappoint or annoy other people. I know that despite my best efforts, I do. Nothing I can do about that.

But at this point, I'm not even sure what my real personality is. Maybe this is just being human, having a kaleidescope of "acceptable" personalities to show different people. Some people call it code-switching, some people just call it being appropriate. Some might even call it being fake!! Still, I understand what Steven Pinker means when he says that words are a means of negotiating relationships. I'm constantly hiding behind my own words, and even my own personalities, to keep myself in relationships with other people. 

More than that, I use pretty much every other conversational doublespeak method that he mentions to sidestep around saying what I mean. This happens almost exclusively with my closest friends, who (thankfully) have an interest in my thoughts and feelings. I hate telling them about my thoughts and feelings. I hate being serious. I hate having to be bare and honest and not be able to dance around the truth. It's embarassing! It's cringeyyy!! I avoid it at all costs. 

 That's why I picked up poetry, because it gives me a way to dress up my thoughts into something prettier, something more vague, so people can't see through me. I want to distract them with all of my double entendres and innuendos and ornamentations so they don't notice how mortifying I am. 

welp the cats out of the bag now so I guess everyone can just think about that the next time I write a poem! 

I applaud people who can just say what they mean, because I can't! have fun trying to decipher my ten-paragraph analogy on my problems with that one girl from that one book who's not really the girl from the book but I won't tell you which girl it is and actually it might not even be a girl! It could even be a guy! But you'll never figure it out! Because I won't tell you!! 

I will never tell you