where to put your anger

 I've always had trouble with my emotions. When I'm stressed or upset, I can't function or even think properly. Last week, I psyched myself out on a math test and left more than half the questions completely blank, all because I couldn't solve one question, and subsequently forgot how to solve questions entirely. 

And a lot of the time, I'm not a very pleasant person to be around when I'm anxious about something. 

My mom tells me that I'm too sensitive -- that I'm too easily swayed by my own feelings. This is unfortunately true, which is so sad. I really, really want to be like those people who are stable no matter what happens, who can wake up in the middle of a hurricane and be just fine. Alas, I am the wooden plank that just keeps crashing into the waves and splintering into more pieces. 

The characters in Sweat also struggle with a lot of mixed, deep emotions. I noticed this especially in Tracy and Jason, who both tend to take their emotions out on the people around them. Like me, they seem to have trouble with emotional inhibition--or, they too often allow their emotions to control them, instead of the other way around. It's probably because they have trouble processing or expressing their negative emotions properly, knowing only to scream and shout when they're upset. In modern terms, their outbursts would be defined as "crashing out". haha, colloquialism!

...

It reminds me of the idea of catharsis that we talked about last week. For those who've never learned to release pent up emotions in a healthy way, catharsis might look frenzied, or even violent. It's kind of scary, and a little bit sad to watch these characters turn on each other, all because their frustrations are too much to handle. 

The worst part is that I kind of relate to Tracy, and all the resentment that she harbors. And like Tracy, I have a tendency to take it out on people when I'm under a lot of stress. In other words, I am a bit of a crashout queen. 😕

Ask my friends, they will tell you! 

It's definitely another reason why I wish I were just a little more tranquil. But there's not much I can do about my emotions. I've learned throughout the years that no matter how you wish to shape and contort yourself into something more beautiful, there are some things that remain unmouldable, despite your best efforts. I've also learned, however, that it's not fair nor just to say/do things that hurt people because you feel upset. 

Wow, shouldn't that be obvious by now? 

Sometimes I feel like I'm a kindergartener who is only just discovering how to be a functioning member of society, while everyone around me is already well on their way. But I suppose the only path to becoming a better person is to die in a different way every day. (Not literally, obviously) Like silver in the forging fire, we must continue to purify ourselves in small manners until we can shine-- losing a bit of us each time, but becoming a bit more brilliant than before. 

As for the title of this blog, I'm still not sure where to put my anger. It still chews me into a mangled, vengeful version of myself*. I guess it helps to remember that sometimes, things and people are out of your hands. And for those who are anxious like me, the truth is that everything matters less than you think it does. When you're the wooden plank, it's best to focus on keeping yourself together, because the waves will be there either way. 

*Sorry guys, this post really makes me feel like this

im so broken and damaged 💔💔💔❤❤❤

but I promise(!!!) I am not trying to be cringy :(