maybe i would be okay, if i let this go forever/send it into space, and watch the planets turn

There's something called "The Hedgehogs Dilemma". It states that people are like hedgehogs, which come together to share warmth, but only end up hurting each other with their spikes. The closer you get, the more you'll get hurt. So it follows that the hedgehogs must remain apart, lest they all die from stabbing each other with their spikes.

When reading about this, I was reminded of the proliferating social culture in Gen Z, built on the grounds of protecting our peace: Put yourself first, don't go out of your way for those who won't go out of their way for you, cut out the people who hurt you. Take your problems and minimize them until you can't see them anymore. Above all, love yourself. Love those who love you, hate those who hate you. 

But protecting your peace is lonely. Keeping people at an arms length because they might hurt you just stops you from forming new, genuine connections. You'll spend the vast majority of your time by yourself, because you don't want to sacrifice anything for anyone else. (This is how my year has been going, ever since I've stopped spending my energy on everyone else)

Moreover, you'll still end up getting hurt, despite all your efforts to protect yourself, because life is simply riddled with hurt and pain. And when that happens, we're conditioned to fight against it. To seek revenge, or give people what they deserve. In this way, we can manufacture some semblance of justice, using that vindication as a substitute for peace. To take some of that control back.

Still, complaining about how "AP Bio isn't even a real subject" after failing the tests doesn't change the fact that you failed. Shit talking the people who hurt you doesn't make you any better than them. Most importantly, holding grudges and judgements against others won't make them go away, and it certainly won't make you feel any better. Maybe this take is too black-and-white and I'm probably skating past a lot of nuance. Yes, shittalking can be a release for some people; yes, gossiping is a way to protect the people you love, these can all be true. But it creates so much negative energy that drains your mood and pulls down the people around you as well. 

I used to be obsessed with what it meant to be a good person. I mean, I wrote a whole blog on it, so yea, I thought about it a lot. But recently, I've been thinking more about just how idiotic that whole dilemma is. Who cares if you're a good person or not? There are only people who hurt other people, some in worse ways than others. That's it. But those same people also help other people, comfort them, give them advice and pray for their success. So what exactly, or who exactly, am I supposed to protect myself from? 

I'm not saying to be completely naive and let your guard down for everyone, because there are genuinely people out there who intend on hurting you. There's murderers and pedophiles, abusers and scammers, and those who simply don't care about other people at all, but that's a completely different subject. In my priviledged day-to-day in Troy High School, there is a 90% chance that I will not have to encounter these people (hopefully???). It's way more likely that I'll be surrounded by people who, like most other people, are self-absorbed and interested in their own needs, just like me. There'll be an abundance of immature people, and those who will hurt, upset, and disappoint me, and that's okay. We're literally high-schoolers. 

Save all that energy you use to chase after huzz, validation, and justice, and use it to chase the dreams and passions that have always been in the back of your mind. Use your time on the people who truly love you--the ones who, despite knowing your spikes, forgive you time and time again. And as for those words, actions, and people that cause you grief, it's best to just it go. 

While watching The Help (the movie from Youtube shorts lol), a particular quote stuck out to me. "Love your enemy, and you have already won". Love those who love you, love those who hate you. People are the most volatile creatures, but they are also the ones worth the most of your grief. 

And like warm water that flows in and out of your hands, they'll leave you colder when they're gone, but there will always be more water to come. 

You will never ever convince me to be nonchalant.